Change, the idea in its abstract sense is something that can prove itself very difficult to understand in isolation. How can you explain it? What is the definition for the word ‘change’? I confronted all these questions before writing this piece. Especially in the sphere of cinema, the idea of change is almost omnipresent. Cinema is something that is ever evolving with its ability to trigger the nostalgia and the grief of things long last with passage of time it works its magic through binding the senses of mind to one’s heart. Cinema and change, the feelings of nostalgia; all of it lends the personality a certain existence. For the sake of those aware of the conscious construct of reality, I write. I write of the stories that I consumed once as entertainment; the stories that have now consumed my idea of essence, and all that is left is the absence of the essence- that I have become. Cinema is an aspect through which I have conjured a world sitting on my living room floor, in front of the cable TV screen, since the age of 7. When I wasn’t even aware of the magic, I dreamt of it. I closed my eyes, and all was the way it was on TV. It was both one of the most terrifying and comforting moments of my life.            

             

One of the biggest emotional turmoils that I can remember feeling inside my gut is from the Disney Pixar movies I watched as a child- with light in my eyes and losing all of reality to them. When I was a child, these movies were quite entertaining and nothing more than that. I never saw the deeper meaning of them. The movies gave me spaces where I lived for days after finishing the movies. I probably did not have the brains to understand the meaning but the spirit I felt it with my own soul is an emotion I can conjure in an instant to this day. Cars (2006) is where I locate my obsession with Pixar movies. Tow Mater was my favorite character of all, the entire persona of his being was something I looked up to as a child. Hudson Hornet aka Doc was that guy I never understood then but now when I watch, I feel it all. The story of Radiator Springs and the cars there is one full of suburban fantasy, the magic of small towns and the feeling of being at home at peace at love; reminding you sweet heaven is just one wrong turn away. The magic was palpable, even to a child.

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To my surprise, I think that people watch the Disney Pixar as if they are made for children but today, I believe these movies talk about things that even a budding young adult like me cannot comprehend. They speak far beyond what we see on the face of it. Cars, for one was not a movie about Lightening McQueen and merely winning the Piston Cup. The movie spells that out for you when Doc Hudson says, “All I see is a bunch of empty cups.”. Today, my reading of Cars involves having a much more real connection with life- thinking about those around you, lending a pause to the selfish pursuits of life and looking at what is around you. Appreciate what life has given to you and try to give the world the same appreciation that you have endured for so long.           

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The time has passed by and I am not a child who watches just cartoons, but Cars is something I can never get bored of. I once was just enjoying the thrill of speed and all the adrenaline that was there. A vroom and a swoosh playing McQueen and racing all over my house, but over time with the vroom and the swoosh I have learned to cruise to glide with a slow and steady pace. Now this movie is not just an adventure to me. I have learned to listen to the voices of every character; the beauty that lies in the emotion of being real and connected to a true self is something else. Notion of understanding that life is not something that is coming at you but is coming from you is what I have gained over time through this movie. And now all of it stays intact within me as if now the soul of the movie has resonated in me and found a place to be here forever. The same piece of cinema is understood differently with the mere passage of the years.

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Life is quite complicated and no one can tell you the way this twisted tale works. But Finding Nemo (2003) is just the right movie that makes you understand the whole conundrum of the pursuit that life is. I never understood that movie and I still find it one of the most intriguing works of cinema. The movie deals with PTSD, and makes you understand the psyche behind the defense and the defiance that come from past traumas is pretty mature for the audience that it caters to. And among all the most unique things about this movie was the character of Dory. Dory is very intriguing, dealing with some sort of amnesia, and you might laugh at what Dory has to say, and she is portrayed almost as a comic relief. But I would argue that Dory is not merely the comic release but is hiding a plain dark reality in the face of laughter. (I like to refer to her as a Harlequin figure). A child couldn’t have comprehended these questions, but now as an adult, I’m starting to.      

              

Dory was someone who made me feel frustrated as a child but now she makes me feel sorry as an adult. The feeling of claustrophobia that Dory represents is something that today, I relate to a lot. Dory’s condition is qualified by the awareness of the position from where you come from and what you are but lacking the ability to communicate a dynamic identity through new experiences. Dory’s character signifies how the people around you and the world, by extension, sometimes moves either too fast or too slow and you have to be the clown in disguise so everyone just keeps you around and you feel attended enough. Sometimes it becomes hard when those questions of belonging come back to you and the maddening effect of consciousness kicks and you break. The world around you is sorry; it’s all lost. Inside out all is gone.

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That phrase reminds me of another movie of the same title. Teenage angst and coming out of the shell, facing the demons of the world and the like. The mean aspect of the personality that was nowhere to be found in a child begins to kill you. We are all the victims and perpetrators. The disregard of the feelings for others and too much love for one’s own ways and ideas bring us to a juncture where we become the villains of our own and others stories. This movie was exactly the idea that I understood that happiness is not all that counts but every single emotion- sadness, disgust, anger, fear- all of them lead to your emotional maturity. The movie taught me that.

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It is though hilarious that I myself never found a way out of this emotional conundrum, as I am still in a profound state of chaos, and sometimes I don’t know what I am doing or where I am going. When I feel lost then look back to my dearest counselors, the cinema that has been my companion throughout, and their struggles. Pixar Studios owes me a lot, especially the way I am now. I might have just started watching movies for fun but now I see a whole dimension; how can I even think of putting it in words? But then Mater, Dory, Fear and Sadness show you that there is more to the world than it seems, and that these insecurities, disorders, and other obstacles can be overcome.

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I might have never felt more real when each and every time I see McQueen pushing King to the finish line. You realise and begin to see beyond the objectives we set in life. Sometimes change is not located in how far you have come, or what you have achieved or how far you can go. The self is ever dynamic, and change is located in that very inconstancy. I love the metaphor from The Myth of Sisyphus (1942) as Camus critiqued what Sartre said and asserts that “One must imagine Sisyphus happy”. It is not that simple though. Sisyphus was cursed with the rock, he gets a shot at climbing and he gets to be in the world, but as Camus interpolates the myth, Sisyphus and the Rock are now a world in their own. Covered in mud under the grey skies, Sisyphus is a beautiful sight to behold. The discourse I initiate is never concerned with the reality at hand and how it’s bound to our physical and mental being. I believe that it’s all a story of understanding that the feelings that we share and nurture as something real comes from our own definitive ideals which are yet again, constantly changing. So, this juncture arrives where the reality is felt on one’s pulse and through which you internalize the understanding of ever ending quest of manifesting the self. This experience of living is not just externally located, but situated in our dynamic beings. Like Carl Sagan says that “We are a way for the cosmos to know itself”. The external understands it via the internal, with a constant struggle of chaos and order, birth and rebirth- it grows and evolves. For the sake of sanity then this change that we all are in pursuit for what is it and where is it located? I guess understanding the idea of essence is only through the absence of its presence.